I am nothing special,

decisions…

whenasilentheartspeaks — Tue, 27 May 2008 02:33:48 +0000

we’ve come to this point in our relationship… We’re not sure if it’s going to work out.. we are so different in almost every way. I enjoy every minute with her, and I love her.. But I’m not sure how this is going to go.. I thought I knew what I was going to do about us after I left her place last week, but now I don’t.. It’s so hard when you love someone but you have so much difference it’s easier to count the similarities.

I want her to have the best life that could be offered to her.. I’m almost sure that’s not me.. I want her happy most of all, even if it means a heartache for me now…. Thing is, I don’t know what to do… I see her again this weekend, I hope I will know what to do by then…

summary:

I love this girl- I want the best for her. I want to stay together but I don’t believe that’s the BEST thing.. oh, If I only knew what to do… I wanna do the right thing…

whenasilentheartspeaks — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 22:37:18 +0000

I feel frustrated and excited at the same time..
Unsure about life right now, and yet part of me doesn’t care what happens right now because I don’t know what I want.
You look into your past and miss some things, and you look into your future and see some things that you look forward too.

I feel lost in life– not sure what to do with it..

Cop or other job…

I know what i like to do and I know what i like, but I don’t know where God is calling me… I need to see something, I need to feel his hand pushing me towards his will, because I can’t see it right now…

Lead Me

whenasilentheartspeaks — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 00:40:47 +0000

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0ORLMRPEOI

I want more.. I want to be filled… I desire to be alive… I desire to be IN His will… I want do life for Him… I feel full but I want more… Lord, fill me with your love and mercy until my seams burst and then some…

Believe it or not

whenasilentheartspeaks — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 22:29:56 +0000

I’m beginning to believe this is true…

“Believe It Or Not”

Believe it or not, everyone have things that they hide
Believe it or not, everyone keeps most things inside
Believe it or not, everyone, believe in something above
Believe it or not, everyone, need to feel loved

Feel loved, but we don’t, and we won’t
Until we figure out, could someone deliver us?
And send us some kind of sign, so close to giving up
Coz faith is so hard to find
But you don’t, and you won’t, until we figure out

I’ve seen it a lot
Every time to the world turns upside down
Believe it or not, everyone
Most of us feel like we’re losing ground
Believe it or not, everyone, hate admitting fear
Believe it or not, most of us wanna know why we’re here

Why we’re here, but we don’t and we won’t
Until we figure out, Could someone deliver us?
And send us some kind of sign, so close to giving up
Coz faith is so hard to find, someone deliver us?
And send us some kind of sign, so close to giving up
Coz faith is so hard to find
But you don’t, and you won’t, until we figure out

Most of us have nothing to complain about
Most of us have things we could live without
Everyone need advice on how to get along

Get along; we don’t, until we figure out

Believe it or not everyone…

Feel loved, but we don’t, and we won’t
Until we figure out, Could someone deliver us?
And send us some kind of sign, so close to giving up
Coz faith is so hard to find, someone deliver us?
And send us some kind of sign, so close to giving up
Coz faith is so hard to find
But you don’t, and you won’t, until we figure out

options

whenasilentheartspeaks — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 06:12:15 +0000

so, I was thinking today at the career fair what my ‘option’s could be. there are alot.. I will list them in order of what I would liek to do. this is a post for me to go back in sometime in the future and see if my ideas change at all…. here they are:

border patrol

county sheriff

city cop

coast guard

state patrol officer

United States Forestry Law Enforcement…

***And the locations I would like to work-

border patrol- New Mexico, Arizona, Southern California, or Texas, in that order…

county sheriff- Wyoming, dakotas, colorado, arizona, iowa, nebraska, montana, etc…

city cop- phoenix, madison, tucson, denver

Coasties- corpus Christi, TX? lol where ever they’d send me i guess… kuwait? Key West?

state highway patrol- Michigan,
USFS- california, montana, colorado, idaho nevada

we’ll see where I end up and where God wants me…

when you feel so far away

whenasilentheartspeaks — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 03:34:28 +0000

So many times I have found my self close to God- trusting him and leaning on him, only to fall back and start going on my own ‘strength’- all along knowing what I need to do and not doing it. All we like sheep have gone astray, each of us have gone our own way..

why?

because we want to have complete control over OUR lives. But that’s the thing– if we are made new IN Christ, then why do we think it’s OUR life? it’s not ours- the life we have is God’s on loan to us. We will answer for the things we do with out lives..

So why still do we go astray when we know it’s wrong? I don’t know why we do this… So many times I have found myself drifting away from the Rock and haven’t done anything about it… I am tired of it, and I want to end my roller coaster ride. I can’t have anyone do it for me, I can’t ‘let it happen’. Getting back on track with God is something that I must constantly seek and strive for.

so yeah…

whenasilentheartspeaks — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 00:44:10 +0000

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I’m feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist

a heavy feeling

whenasilentheartspeaks — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 03:50:42 +0000

I don’t know what it is… some thing is going to happen here.. in the next couple weeks/months… I hope I am ready.. I have no idea what it is or if these feelings are real, but I feel something coming. I hope it doesn’t..

But you ever have that feeling that you’re gonna get nailed with something… Whether directly or indirectly?

yeah, I feel it coming on…

Lord, help me be strong…

I miss her

whenasilentheartspeaks — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 04:11:40 +0000

I miss her… It’s been 7 weeks… and I have a good7 weeks left… I miss her like crazy.. I think I will call her Saturday… I wish we weren’t 350 miles apart 9 months of the year and in different countries all the time…

life

whenasilentheartspeaks — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 05:08:12 +0000

my life is going to class, sitting in my room, going to work, going to the cafeteria once a day for a meal- maybe 2x, and then going to bed; then repeat.

my social life is pretty much zilch… My enjoyment of life is pretty low right now too… I don’t eat much, I have a hard time falling asleep, I know I am supposed to be happy where I am… but how? I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone here… I mean the impersonal “Hi how are you?”, “the weather is nasty, I can’t wait for spring”, etc. is easy, but I don’t really connect with anyone.

Part of me knows this is because I don’t pursue to find relationships. I keep telling myself that’s because I don’t like being uncomfortable- and I am usually uncomfortable when it comes to talking to people about myself or having to talked to them about something important- unless I know them or I am at work and then I don’t feel awkward. That’s true, and also if I don’t form relationships, I don’t have to worry about maintaining them. I dunno, I could crawl in a hole and stay there… I feel depressed, but I really don’t have much reason to be… I have a good family and good friends at home, I have what I need and more, I’m confused… I feel no purpose for what I am doing here..

At least when I was in Mexico I felt I had a purpose… I was useful.. worth something tangible…

I want warm weather… I’d almost be tempted to hop on my bike and start driving no where in particular and see where I end up… maybe stay there.. maybe come back…

I have so much to be thankful for, and yet I find it so hard to be grateful…

where is the light at the end of the tunnel?